Stonecutters Guild
Stonecutters Guild
Stonecutters Guild
Who controls the Springfield events...

Who controls the Springfield events scene? WE DO! WE DO!

An ancient and totally-not-secret society bringing exclusive entertainment to our members and the occasional worthy guest. We've kept the metric system down, made Steve Guttenberg a star, and rigged every Oscar night since 1957.

"Who keeps Atlantis off the maps? Who keeps the Martians under wraps? WE DO! WE DO!"

🔮 What We Control

  • 🎭 Exclusive Events - For members and Number 908 (Homer... unfortunately)
  • 🎵 Sacred Concerts - Songs in the key of mystery
  • 🥳 Private Parties - Robes optional, parchment required
  • 🏆 Award Ceremonies - We decide who wins everything

📜 Sacred Parchment required at door. No Chosen Ones allowed (we learned our lesson).

Who robs cavefish of their sight? Who rigs every Oscar night? WE DO! WE DO!

Springfield Community Center
Springfield Community Center
Springfield Community Center

Where Springfield comes together (for better or worse).

Hosting town halls, talent shows, AA meetings, and everything in between since the town's founding. Our multipurpose room has seen it all—from beauty pageants to monorail votes to that incident we're legally not allowed to discuss.

"Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?" - Marge Simpson

📋 Recent Events

  • 🚝 Monorail Vote - We're still paying for that one
  • 🎭 Talent Shows - Ralph Wiggum available for bookings
  • 🗳️ Town Halls - Democracy in action (sort of)
  • 🎪 Community Events - Controlled chaos since 1796

Your tax dollars at work. Mostly. Sometimes. When the budget allows.

⚠️ Warning: Town meetings may result in spontaneous musical numbers and/or mob formation.

Where Springfield comes together (for better or worse).

Hosting town halls, talent shows, AA meetings, and everything in between since the town's founding. Our multipurpose room has seen it all—from beauty pageants to monorail votes to that incident we're legally not allowed to discuss.

"Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?" - Marge Simpson

📋 Recent Events

  • 🚝 Monorail Vote - We're still paying for that one
  • 🎭 Talent Shows - Ralph Wiggum available for bookings
  • 🗳️ Town Halls - Democracy in action (sort of)
  • 🎪 Community Events - Controlled chaos since 1796

Your tax dollars at work. Mostly. Sometimes. When the budget allows.

⚠️ Warning: Town meetings may result in spontaneous musical numbers and/or mob formation.

No scheduled events

Filter Events

Free entry
Online

Mr. Burns' Retirement Planning

Jan 5
Mr. Burns' Retirement Planning - Flyer

About

😈 Excellent... Financial Immortality Awaits!

Learn from Springfield's oldest (and most excellent) billionaire!

"I'd give it all up for a little more." - C. Montgomery Burns

💰 Topics Covered

  • 👴 How to Live Forever - Almost! (Ask his doctor team)
  • 🐕 Releasing the Hounds on competitors - A business strategy
  • 🍫 "Ah yes, when candy bars cost a nickel" - Historical economics
  • ☀️ Sun-blocking as Investment Strategy - Think big! Block out the sun!
  • 💎 Trust Funds for Dogs - Just in case

📋 Seminar Rules

  • 📝 Smithers will be taking attendance
  • 🐕 Hounds on standby (for demonstration purposes)
  • 💼 Business casual dress code - No union t-shirts
  • 🚫 Questions about Bobo - Will NOT be answered

💡 Burns' Business Tips

  • "I'd trade it all for a little more"
  • "Release the hounds!"
  • "Smithers, who is that man?"

Ahoy-hoy!